Sexual Boundaries + Toxic People
In the past I have let into my body toxic partners whose energy has stayed stuck within my yoni, creating knots and pain. I have also let in friends who were origionally just friends but who wanted more than I could give. Their energy remained in my mind, body and effected future friendships.
Our body, mind and soul holds within it the energy of everyone we meet, and especially our yoni, which holds the energy of our past lovers in it.
I have found from coaching clients for the last 15 years that abandonment issues, sexual abuse and worthiness can all cause blocks in the body but also cause that person to have very uncertain boundaries. When I say ‘uncertain’, I am refering to the fact that those boundaries may slide, they are not definite. And even if the person does have boundaries they may choose not to honour those boundaries.
It’s important to understand sexual boundaries and it’s important also to limit our exposure to toxic people. When setting sexual boundaries we first need to be aware of our sexuality and our values. It is easy to say ‘no’ to the obvious forms of boundaries relating to sex but we should look into the supressed areas of our sexuality and the not-so-obvious areas to uncover what we really value, what we are open to with conditions and what we are not open to under any circumstance.
To uncover if a sexual boundary has been overstepped in the past, tune in to what you’ve been ignoring. Ask yourself questions such as:
(Your first answer is often the right one, don’t overthink these questions)
Where have I been holding tension in my body? At what time did this tension first occur and with whom?
How do I feel when I am around person _______________?
Was there a time in the recent past that I said ‘yes’, when I should have said ‘no’?
To whom do I feel angry toward?
Is there something that I do not want to see or honour?
When you feel someone is toxic or a alarming situation is apperant, learn to say ‘no’ earlier on rather than later. You can always change your mind later if you decide.
Firstly, as I mentioned above. Healthy boundaries are the result of a person who is emotionally healthy. You can still have gone through traumatic sexual events and come out emotionally healthy through your healing. The first step is not about enforcing boundaries but understanding your sexuality. If you feel at this stage that you need to work on your sexual healing take a look at my work to learn how I can hold space for you. Alternatively, you may feel you can work through this alone, see a therapist or find support in another healing modaility. Whatever steps you take, being emotinally healthy is a large part of having healthy sexual boundaries.
Start to observe in your own life when your partner or person pushes or oversteps your boundaries, particularly observe the frame of mind you are in and the environment when this does happen. Keep a diary and write them down when they do happen. Do you see any themes?
Once you’ve examined when your boundaries have been overstepped and by whom, see if you can prevent it from happening again by speaking with the person who overstepped them, and looking at how you can be stronger and firmer in your boundaries.
If you find that a person keeps overstepping your boundaries, or they are not supportive of them then maybe it’s time to let that person go. Our sexuality is sacred, we do not need to put up with toxic people or circumstances – not for their pleasure or benefits – or anybodies.
The people that we let into our life should be honouring of our sexuality and how we choose to (or not) express that. Knowing what you want, or don’t want will help you limit the types of people, lovers, and relationships that you want. Sometimes that means doing the healing work, or working on understanding and re-educating ourselves on our sexuality. Either way, you deserve to feel liberated with your sexuality – in and outside of the bedroom.
Don’t settle for less.